Eddie Quette here again, with another installment of my ongoing campaign for excruciatingly appropriate behavior.
Our first question comes from to us from a Carol Gwenn, who writes
Q. "Mr. Quette, you simply MUST help me! I’m a person of interest to
several major law enforcement agencies, for reasons you will deduce
below. I must beg you, under no circumstance are you to reveal my
identity in your blog!
A. Thank you, Carol Gwenn, I’ll see what I can do. Now what was your question?
Q. Oh, I am SO relieved! I knew I could count on you Eddie!
Anyway, when preparing to divest oneself of a troublesome tenant,
(those room renters of the lower sort), is it appropriate to arrive
bearing arms or is it acceptable to pick up whatever the lowlife have
to hand (gun, knife, etc.) Also, must one wear a hat – as well as
gloves — for such an occasion? These may seem like unimportant
issues, but it’s the small things, the grace notes, that make life
A. You are so right! I opt for the BYOW approach (bring your own
weapon) as so often the gats and pieces encountered in such wretched
conditions are encrusted with microbes, bacteria, or even (in the worst
Gloves and hats are always tasteful in such circumstances, and this
being summer, you can’t go wrong with white, cream, or eggshell
shades. Whatever you do, avoid loud colors or horizontal stripes in
your attire, as in LAPD booking photos these simply SCREAM "I just
pigged out on white chocolate cake at Bernard’s at the Biltmore!" The
LAST thing you need is to draw even more attention to yourself, Carol
Q. I’m the Mother Superior of the Monastery of the Angels, a
Dominican convent located near the foot of Bunker Hill. We are
considering moving from here to Hollywood, to escape the noise, sin,
and depravity of the downtown area. Do you think this advisable?
A. You’re moving to HOLLYWOOD to escape depravity? Isn’t that sort of like moving to Phil Spector’s house to avoid gunplay?
Q. I’m a wealthy oil baron here in L.A., with extensive petroleum
leases throughout California. Recently an acquaintance, May Otis
Blackburn, requested that I transfer all my oil stock to her at the
behest of the Angel Gabriel, who speaks to her occasionally on her
lunch hour. Is this wise?
A. Well, my expertise is in etiquette, not stock tips. But it just
so happens that last night I was channeling my own Spirit Guide, the
Archangel Michael, over at the Aetherius Center, and boy have I got the
straight skinny for you, Bud.
Keep half that oil stock in the ground, and invest the rest of it in
California real estate until around 2007, when something called the
sub-prime real estate crisis will render it worthless. But by that time
you will have put everything BACK into oil, which by June of 2008 will
be worth 135 smackeroos a barrel! Trust me on this, and pretty soon you
will be raising tankards of Pouilly Fuisse in my honor!
Do you have a question for Mr. Eddie Quette? Write him care of this
blog, and he will either answer, or, if he deems you beneath his
station, he will issue a hearty YAWN on your behalf.